I am now Complete...

I just heard Scott Sauls use the gasoline fight in the movie Zoolander as an illustration in a sermon. I think I can meet my maker now.

Someone also needs to tell Boomdazzle.

Dang Dang Diddly Dang

I thought I had found my house. High ceilings, big lot, middle of Webster...drastically reduced price.....

It sold..
yesterday... :(

Massive-Head-Wound Lindsey

Dude. I CRACKED my head on a low ceiling in a stairway of a house I looked at today. Sheeeeeez. It's still bleeding.
I'm not buying that one.

Contentment in the Desert

That is the title of this painting. I think that describes me well at this point in my life. (Not so much the cleavage hanging out part, sorry about that) I just listened to a sermon on the *mumble mumbly*th Commandment, the one on coveting your neighbor, and it was good. I have tried to explain to some folks what's going on with me lately and it's hard to describe but the word is "content". I think is a very different thing than merely being happy. We are supposed to be content or joyful in all circumstances, but that doesn't mean we have to feel "happy". But I have felt very content and free lately. Very free from some influences in my life that made me fearful of living life. My circumstances haven't particularly changed so much, but I feel like I'm having more and more moments of trusting that Jesus is my everything even though he isn't a fleshly being. I think it's also taking people in my life off the hook as I don't look to them to be perfect. I wish I could explain it better, but I've been reading John in depth lately and I just love it. I love looking at the life of the Christ, my intercessor, my payment, my salvation. He's my ticket to Disneyland--the one with no lines. I'm back in a place where I actually want other people to know Jesus again. Not in a psychotic way.. but in a yeah.. that's the crackers and mustard kinda way. I watch people put their hope in the signs of God, instead of God. We see in scripture people putting their trust in the miracles and the way Jesus made peoples circumstances better, and He would ask us: "What is harder to say 'Pick up your mat and walk?' or 'Your sins are forgiven?' If you are free in Christ, you are free. Live in it, wallow in it, because it is the only source of joy that will not run dry. He would say "I am the Bread." Everything else can be intrinsically 'good' things, families, jobs, homes, health, and any number of other blessings, but we musn't forget where every good and perfect gift comes from. Great analogy is if you are driving to St. Louis and the sign says 100 more miles, you don't hop out and dance around the sign, take pictures and try to visit the arch, you will be dissappointed, you keep driving cause it's merely a pointer to where you are going.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries . . . lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable . . . The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is
hell"
C.S. Lewis

Just Shards

I'm feeling pregnant. Easy there, rumor mill. Pregnant with knowledge and peace and joy. God has brought me faithfully into a time of refreshing. Got to talk with Jim about it tonite after he brought the heat at bible study, it was good to spill my guts.

I've found a virtual gold mine of sermons, on the greentree webster website. Check out all of Scott Sauls' stuff it's really quite good and it's spending some quality time on the old iPod.

Last Sunday, we sang my absolute favorite song of all time at DR on Sunday nite Isaiah 43.

As you pass throught the waters I will be with you,
and the waves they shall not overcome you DO NOT FEAR, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, Lindsey, You are Mine.

Most of the time when he blesses me, I am feeling particularly not-sinful and somewhere in my head I attribute the blessing to something I have earned. What a crock. As if I were ever sinless enough on my own accord.

The story as I see it: He made the World, and he knew the plan, he would make a covenant with us (Israel) and we would break it, he had to let us try to be holy on our own so we would see our need "No, Daddy, really I can work the weedeater by myself, lemme try" "Ok.. there you go...here's a few rules...uh.. oh.. hmm nevermind, gimme that..."

Then he would weave this book together, this old testament scripture, and just SOAK it in prophecy of One to come, he would intricately weave threads of the Annointed hero to come that would " finish the transgression, make an end of sin, make atonement for iniquity, bring in everlasting righteousness, seal up vision and prophecy and to anoint the most holy place."(Dan. 9:24) He TOLD us in a slightly coded way, what was coming. He gave that to us. Then he was silent for as long as he said he was going to be (again according to Daniel seventy weeks which is like 434 years or so) and he would have his Son come and do his thing, love people, be a spiritual king, and teach us about the heart of God. He gave us all the information to make an informed descision, and then he left the decision up to us so that it was real.

He made us,
He told us what He was going to do, (A *COUPLE* different ways)
He did it,
He told us he did it,
and all we have to do is believe that He is the stud that He says He is.
Sometimes we make it much harder than that.

Getting into scripture is so like running. I love how I feel when I am done running. But before and during it is often hard and grueling and dare I say boring. But when you get there and do it and suck it up you find that it left you in a much better place than it found you and you are empowered, not exhausted. You feel better, not worse. I need to run around in scripture more.

Words fail me...

My beautiful friend Angela is a blessing to me when she writes..

Oh poor misguided, misunderstood, chemically imbalanced, Joaquin...

...is in rehab. I'm posting this because he is a very important actor, and this is very important information. Also, because three of you have already brought this to my attention, I wanted to save myself the grief from hearing about it... again. So yes, he is human, and tricked by the lies of the world. So he just needs me to take care of him. "Joaquin! You are stronger than this! You can beat it! GO, Joaquin, you can do it! Just because you played a very 'Best Supporting Actor' caliber disturbed Emperor in Gladiator, doesn't mean you are him in real life! Take back your life... I, your loyal fan, am behind you 100%. "

In other news, I was driving around shopping this evening and did a double take when i saw a revolving sign that said "GLASS EYE REPAIR SHOP". I wondered how there could possibly be a market for this in Crestwood, and how I never ever wanted to go in there, when the sign swiveled back around and it really said "EYE GLASS REPAIR SHOP". Whew.

Fast Fwd to the checkout counter at Value City where I was purchasing brassieres. The lady says to me "This is da best place ta buy yo' underclothes" which is true when you speak of price. But not so true when you consider that I literally had to "unstick" two potential unmentionables from each other to read a label. I thought the tags had gotten tangled. Upon further review, a giant wad of green chewing gum was the culprit.

Yummy.

Continuing the Bacon theme...

Today for lunch we walked across the street to the deli, where Steve and Mary Kay spoil me to death. ("Don't have cash...Oh sweetie, bring it to me later") and I tried a new concoction.. A BLT wrap. OH man. My tastebuds are dancing and singing. I thought you, the general, uninterested public, should know. It will single handedly get me through today, this rainy, crazy, day-before-deadline, why-the-heck-am-I-blogging-right-now kind of day..

The bacon had to go...

For two reasons. The airfreshener that my cousin bought me as a gift, one, was a bit of an eyesore and caused an obstructed view in the ol' pontiac. Two, it really did smell like bacon. I didn't think it was going to... I'm not sure why. But yes.. bacon it twas..

I'm sitting here thinking about sleep and it's not coming to me. It's one of the elusive things that the more you want, the less you get, and if you do get all you want it fails to satisfy. I have been thinking also about lifespans lately. They are short. Very very short. I think I've always considered myself a tad immortal. But as the skin on the back of my hand wrinkles, and college becomes a more distant memory, it's something I think about. What on earth am I supposed to do. Bob spoke about the difference between wanting our kingdoms to come and God's kingdom to come. I LOVE the idea of God's kingdom. When I think long and hard about it in it's purest form I get all fired up and want to take on the world and beat it to death with my KJV . Want to crusade and preach and three snap my way into the book of life. But when I think about what I work for most often, it's my kingdom. The one with comfort and security, less community rather than more. I just kinda go limp and start drooling like Homer Simpson. (Mmmm...Bacon) The easier one. The safer one. The crispier one. The theory is, trust God, have faith, do crazy captain insano things that make sense to no one,( i.e. build an ark? march around a city seven times, blow a little diddy on a bugle?) and God gets the glory and we get all the things our hearts are made to desire from him. Sounds good in theory. But hold up. Wait a sec. I KNOW people who do not have their daily bread. I know people who are good strong Christians who are starving to death. I KNOW that bad things happen to people who love Him. Aye there's the rub. The faith in God guarantees me nothing. Paul got prison and death. Steven got stoned. (Yeah, yeah, and Sainthood...)
It's like we are all in communist Russia or something and there is one potato left and we are all kicking and biting and fighting for it. When God says "my grace is sufficient for you." "Man cannot live on bread alone" "I came so that you may have life to the full." "Let the poor say, I am rich." I think for a long time I ate this stuff up with a spoon, but I now am having a harder time swallowing it.
Maybe it's because I have so much pride it's crazy. Maybe I can't deal with the fact that God's glory really really can't be mine. That in order to gain what I cannot lose, I must lose what I cannot keep. That humbling oneself is harder than it sounds, and to do it for any consistent length of time breeds a resentment. At least in me it does. Like THIS is the Gospel... this plain boring HARD thing? You have GOT to be kidding me. No flashing lights or bells or whistles? Maybe I've called the game too early, maybe I'm just in the middle of the race and God, J, and the Ghost are up there cheering and yelling "NO don't stop, you GOT this. Don't fall into doubt, it's the OLDEST trick in the book" Paul in prison knew who he was the whole time. He knew what he was doing, and how insignificant his circumstances were incomparison to what awaited the earth in knowledge of God that it was about to receive. I think I just wish I had some more faith to keep me company on my journey. If all that scripture promises is true, there isn't much time to waste figuring me out. Too much life to be had, and to share.

The starving Russian economy analogy should not apply to me. My cup runeth over. But If I stop protecting myself, will it still?

I got a new computer tonite. Woo hoo. My concious is clear, I can now leave my work at work more often, and leave my life at home and discontinue to shamelessly violate my user agreement. Maybe that's why I was losing sleep. Maybe that's why I can't figure anything out... tsk tsk I was livin in sin. *

Ah I AM getting sleepy now... my writing... the cure for insomnia... that sounds about right.

Here's hoping.

*Please do not that that too seriously.. but we shouldn't steal things that aren't ours.

Ode to Liz and Others.

LIZ! LIZ! LIZ! I chant her name. I don't know how much I can say here without violating her work secrets, but she just wrapped her first commercial!! Oh it's the coolest thing since sliced bread. I can't believe it. I watched it over and over and OVER last nite. I'm unbelievably proud of her. I can barely contain myself. I'm just amazed by her ability to do cool stuff. Gosh. It's Gosh. I'm articulate, aren't I. If you could rip me open and see my heart just swelling with pride for her you would wonder what is wrong with me. But i'm just so happy for her. And i am so happy that I didn't even have to pretend to like it, I just did.

I'm also so happy to get a chance to talk with Fox on Sunday. He was also balm for my soul. And my soul is feeling pretty chapped. Ode, to the encouragers. Gretel, Jane, Fox, Heather, Lindsay, Hawkins in your own little way... keep doing what you are doing, it matters. I love you guys.

Bob Perkins also referenced Aladdin in his talk, he had me at 'Do you trust me?'

Ode to my cousin Megan, who just purchased a gift for me from Seattle. She brough me car freshener in the shape of bacon. It says it's supposed to have a "sizzling bacon scent". She also brought me GREEN TEA. Wow. It is almost my half birthday.. wait.. no it's not.

My co-worker Dave is the funniest man alive. He just kills me. Today we went upstairs to get bervages together and we raced I took the stairs and he took the elevator. He is kind of how I imagine Willie! in twenty years. Not eating any green vegetables, not putting on any airs for anyone, and crackin me up. The elevator doors slide open and he's got me at fingergun point, telling me in his sean connery james bond voice that he'd like his mountain dew at 32 degrees, shaken, not stirred.. He's the only person who doesn't shush me when I get to singing showtunes, he finishes them up for me, taking most conversations across that propriety length at work time, and time again.

Here's to you.. my bright spots...