I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me. After a day like today, I don't understand why I get days like today and I feel guilty about it. I played hooky from work (it was a Swiss holiday, but not an American one) and I was convinced by my co-workers who get the Swiss holiday's to come to Interlaken to white-water raft.
It was absolutely beautiful. (you are getting tired of me saying that) We rafted. We didn't die. We jumped into the 39 degree water in the lake at the end. We were wearing wet suits that were SO freaking small that they were literally mashing down my spinal column. I'm not kidding or exaggerating. Mine was so small that once on a "get down" section of the river I "got down" and couldn't "get up" because my suit was so tight. I was lying like a turtle on my back, just stuck...several times! Met a nice gal and her dad from Toronto. She is living in Bern and is looking for folks to hang out with. It was pretty fun. Weird to think that the water I was rafting in, three months ago, was the snow I might have been skiing on.
The hostel that my co-workers stayed at was really nice (and cheap) and they had wireless, and a lovely garden in the back with a trampoline. After a hard day of rafting (the fellas, Alistair and Ross, went rock climbing instead) we all met back up and sat on the lawn in bare feet and did cartwheels, gave piggy back rides and were silly. Played with a random St. Bernard, and just laughed and laughed.
Ate the best Thai food I have ever had and caught the train home.
The kicker is... it was strange today, as fun and as beautiful as it was. I felt all day like there is something more to be enjoyed and my attempt to place my experiences in nature as my only communion with God felt problematic. It is only the gift. It's not the Giver. We were meant to be pointed to God via nature but we were not meant to worship the mountains. They don't speak, they don't love me back, they don't restore me. At first they did awe me and inspire me to no end of the wonder and power of God, but now it's clear I need to fall back onto my relationship with God, which lately lets be honest, has been a bit non-existent. Call it whatever I want... time, circumstance, pain, but fact is I am running a little bit because answers feel far and the answers that are near, I will not accept.
So here's to relenting.
Here's to taking my idols off the shelf and removing them from the "high" places. I really should have worked today. I really shouldn't have missed church from sleeping in on Sunday, I really should be digging into scripture more than I am. I love the word (or say I do) but I have neglected it as of late. Someone told me I am living in my comforts right now. I think in the beginning it was the only place I could possibly be, as I was drowning and lonely and very depressed about being so far away from home in such a cold place (cold as in the temperature of the air and of the people). But as the snow caps melt and run down to their summer home, I too am going somewhere fluidly. With only the heat of the sun and gravity as my guides I will go somewhere purposefully. I am at a strange peace in the middle of my darkness that makes little sense.
I know, in fact I am absolutely certain, that God loves me no more or no less than he did during my days of me still trying to "earn" my salvation. I followed all the rules did what I was supposed to, and now I'm a screw up in many ways, and my self-righeousness is gone. Of the sinners I am the worst.
So what is next? Which waterfall is mine? What path am I carving?
I wonder in the book of my life what these chapters are for. I think in the beginning it was a lot of healing. Now I think there is much pleasure and easiness. Is it strange to be less content in your comfort than you are in your strife?
Or am I unable to sit in a moment and not anaylze it while paralyzed?
Lord help me not be nuts.
If per drafting codes.. this were in BLUE... would be perfect. (Only 
It was absolutely beautiful. (you are getting tired of me saying that) We rafted. We didn't die. We jumped into the 39 degree water in the lake at the end. We were wearing wet suits that were SO freaking small that they were literally mashing down my spinal column. I'm not kidding or exaggerating. Mine was so small that once on a "get down" section of the river I "got down" and couldn't "get up" because my suit was so tight. I was lying like a turtle on my back, just stuck...several times! Met a nice gal and her dad from Toronto. She is living in Bern and is looking for folks to hang out with. It was pretty fun. Weird to think that the water I was rafting in, three months ago, was the snow I might have been skiing on. 
The kicker is... it was strange today, as fun and as beautiful as it was. I felt all day like there is something more to be enjoyed and my attempt to place my experiences in nature as my only communion with God felt problematic. It is only the gift. It's not the Giver. We were meant to be pointed to God via nature but we were not meant to worship the mountains. They don't speak, they don't love me back, they don't restore me. At first they did awe me and inspire me to no end of the wonder and power of God, but now it's clear I need to fall back onto my relationship with God, which lately lets be honest, has been a bit non-existent. Call it whatever I want... time, circumstance, pain, but fact is I am running a little bit because answers feel far and the answers that are near, I will not accept. 
This is my ingenious papa and his makeshift suspender. His belt buckle broke in half and he had to fashion a single ridiculous suspender out of his "man purse" strap. Chuckles all around. A woman shopkeeper saw him and ran into the back room and pulled out a fist full of actual suspenders and tried to sell him a pair. 
This face would be the summationof the lucerne experience but less happy...
