Mechanical Completion

Asthetic completion to follow!

Tile a little darker in the light than I suspected, but otherwise, I LOVE it!!

Shout out to my Girls

Check it. Tasha and Al made the All-Decade team. First time I've ever seen Alia on any type of "second team" but regardless.

Curiously missing from the Press Release is the phrase. "Lindsey Merrill made them what they were by allowing them to beat the shit out of her in practice everyday".

Wonder how they left that out?

A Severe Mercy

(I am crrrushing the Alps now)

I just finished this book. It was a bit of an awkward read considering I got to the death part on a very public train in the Alps. No hiding any tears for me. But this book is a really good thing. It is no secret that I am not doing well these days. The break up still isn't easy for me. It's not easy being away from home and it's definitely not easy being single and 28 and 6'2" and other ever growing numbers as well...In a foreign country. No matter how you slice it. Yes, I get to do awesome things, sure I get to be with awesome people, and see awesome sights. But I know that life is made up of more than that. It has taken me awhile to put these words on paper because I am so embarrassed to keep thinking them, let alone say them. It's where I am. I can't help it. I am a mess. A river of red-hot emotion runs beneath my work and surfacy-conversational exterior. Dear, sweet, Heather poked at it last week and got that river spilled on her in a prayer session in my room.

So with that said let me tell you the hope I have. I have hope that God can indeed be trusted. I have really no reason to not think so. Sheldon VanAuken, lost his dearest love in this book and after his horrible loss, and grief, he still trusts that the events that took place were for his good. Amazing. She died surrounded by friends, loved ones, and rather gently went to the Father. He figures, for many reasons that it wouldn't make sense to explain here, that God has done the most loving act, the most Severe Mercy by writing their story this way. That is a trust I do not at this moment have. But I hope I can have it. It seems solid and true, and real and completely independent of human perspectives on what ought to be, of their thoughts, feelings and wants.

I have spent the better part of a couple of years wondering if God is really moving toward me with love and not anger. If he really can look at me and my life and not be dissappointed in my many shortcomings. I hope that Grace, is indeed, all that it is cracked up to be. It's free. I'll say it again. It's free. It is not cheap... but it is Free. The hope I have is that God doesn't need me. He doesn't need my works, my deeds, my anything. He only needs me to be with him. Which I just have an awful time doing. Nothing is free. No one just enjoys people for no reason. Humans are conditional beings. "I will love you if 'dot dot dot'" God isn't. Can that POSSIBLY be the case? That love from this well is free and flows constantly? The light that shines is always on you even if your eyes are closed? The music is always playing even if you have your fingers jammed into your ears; LA LA LA, I wont hear you." I wont see you, I don't forgive myself. You have no business forgiving me, I don't even forgive me.

"My dearest, your ways are not my ways."

"But, But, But..."

"Sorry, I love you. Yes you are a mess, but I will carry you. It's kinda what I do. ?"

"Really?"

"C'mon remember the poem? The one in the sand?"

"Ja-Ja?"

"Ja-Ja.

The first thing God did IMMEDIATELY after Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, was become their tailor. He made them garments to cover the shame they shouldn't have known. Covered the shame that was THEIR fault! He cared for them because he IS just that way. He is gracious. He is made of jealous love for us. For me.

And he will use severe measures to make my eyes open. He will deal me hands that no one else gets dealt, because he knows what I need. He will not give me the drug I want to numb myself. He will not. He will not grant the fake idol that only seeks to destroy me. I am not sure I want the path He will make for me, it's certain to suck in a very real way, but the alternative would be unthinkable (and impossible, I think, given that I am under his care and not walking on my own two giant feet).

Speaking of which, on a lighter note, from the "Lindsey-you-are-and-always-will-be-a-giant-freak-file," we went ice-skating this past weekend, and upon getting up to the rental counter the woman didn't speak much English, and I didn't know my shoe size in the European world. So I guessed at some numbers I thought would correspond to my ski-boot size in cm, and they looked WAY too small. So I guessed at another, and it looked small too. Someone finally suggested I look at the tongue of my sneaker to see if it had a key and it did. I hiked my foot onto the counter and showed the lady the number and she went "Wooo" and went the opposite direction in search of giantic skates. My co-workers were all ROLLING. Mondo hockey skates were plopped up on the counter; skates that, since they had no toe-pick, caused me later to fall FLAT on my stomach by way of my knee-cap when trying to do a spin. So I fashioned knee pads out of a friends pair of ski-gloves. See below.

Went to Zermatt. Where the Matterhorn is. It's amazing. Switzerland is amazing. Seeing folks see mountains like this for the first time is amazing.

God who made them and who is writing my story is also, must be, amazing. So that is also hope that I have.

Work, is the least of my worries, it's going well. People are happy. I was told "we need three Lindsey's". That is nice to hear. Now that my personal life is in shambles, it's nice to keep the work end up with some sort of even-ness that I didn't used to possess.

I was also told "Lindsey, you should just fashion a guy out of three Singaporeans stacked on top of each other... then when you get sick of the top one, just swap him out." That is always nice to hear also.

Love you all. I'm coming home.

Predicitons in St. Louis?

A Foot of Snow....

BAH HAHAHAHA!

Oh COME on!

"Heinz the Piper"

The English crew that we work with hosted a social event for our project in honor of the famous Scotish poet Robert Burns. He was the guy who wrote Auld Lang Syne. The night was largely as incoherent as that song. He wrote some other stuff, and fathered 19 children...with five different women.




"The Haggis" which was 'addressed' in a ceremonious way was first led into the bar by a real-live kilted bagpiper. It's intestine-y stomach was stabbed and opened infront of the whole crew and we sang songs about it.. it was sorta weird.

After the tasting of the Haggis.. (which is basically sheep organ meat ground up with some oats...cooked inside an intestine...) and tatties and 'nips (potatoes and turnips) there were more songs and toasts.... And people asking for pizza, which was also available!

Yeow...
Me giving the Lasses reply to the Lads toast. (Men are like Parking Spaces... the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped, or just too short). Whiskey tasting... (Eh..it was ok...)

Brilliant Evening... lovely just lovely. I had a microphone.. a captive audience, in a bar...(where have I done this before??) Much fun. I hope I don't get mad cow disease from eating sheep parts.

Much love.. I have more ski pictures to post. Do not fret.

I come home in two weeks, then progress on the tub. And maybe then I'll write some real stuff...life, Jesus, being old, etc.

I know you are on pins and needles (better than Haggis, Tatties and Nips).

The Craplift

Well not unless you count SKIING. Oh man. I should probably make this a separate post (and I did). We went this time with a much bigger group of folks to Flims Laax Falera, which is a ski area somewhere in the eastern part of Switzerland. The last outing was to Engleberg, chosen because it was sure to have snow at that time of year, not for it's friendliness to begining skiiers. That time we had five people that skiied, three onlookers and wonderful crisp clear mountain views, crappy snow and hard slopes. This time we had a foot of fresh snow falling, NO visibility, 15 people including two clients, and just overall a better, more enjoyable day. We went to this place over another at the last minute because some other folks on the project team were going as well and they recommended this place as a better place for beginners, so we changed plans.

After the typical mayhem of getting boots, poles and skis for 15 people, getting to a locker, and dividing up into skill levels we boarded the various gondolas and began the day. About nine of us were together at the beginning of the first "green' run. That whittled down to five quickly as we got separated. I was with the two clients, Marc the adorable German friend of mine, Elgin the great new addition to the CRB team and to my church finding team, Bob an American client who is a pretty accomplished skier, and my favorite guy Dave as I mentioned in previous ski posts who has no fear of anything and is just natural on skis. This is Bob.We had a rough morning. The first run of the day was very difficult given the zero visibility, foggy goggles, deep snow, ill-marked trails, but the silence of the fresh power under the skis and the softness of any fall was a welcome blessing. We did a couple on the green before Dave found his hole. Dave, who went off trail for some adventure, found some indeed. He was skiing in a valley. If you can picture the triangle, point down, this valley was intersected by a catwalk, so the deep snow disguised the catwalk and he plowed into it, essentially doing a belly flop against a wall, and sunk completely into powdery quick-snow, lost a ski, and his wind. We waited for him at the bottom for awhile and when he returned he was not doing well. Not injuired, but exerted. We took a different lift to the top of the next hill intending to do one more longer green and then get lunch over by the half-pipe snowboarding competition, but this was easier said than done. Dave, once we reached the top of the next run, was in bad shape. He had really gotten clocked by the wall, or "Dave's Hole" as we dubbed it, and was dehydrated, exhausted, at higher altitude, hungry, and we feared, had a concussion. To make matters worse, the wind and snow made skiers and trail markers disappear about 40 feet infront of you and the snow was even deeper and more disguised. The green trail we picked out was closed, so blue was the only way down. We all were a bit slower on this one. This normally would have been cake to Dave, but he had to stop and collect him self between sections and I was truly worried about him, but he was a champ and made it down (and also took the focus of of ME struggling to make it down!! Whatta guy!) Above: Dave in the front, Grace behind. Below: Dave and I. I got to the bottom and completely wiped out in a full on yard-sale, threw a ski and a pole and landed backwards. It was glorious because it was so soft and puffy that it just didn't matter. I do wish that I had buttoned the "powder skirt" feature on my inner jacket which exists solely for that reason, but alas I did not. Snow in your knickers never hurt anyone I guess. That was when we found Grace (below, with Elgin), who got separated from her group and she joined us for the rest of the day.
We got lunch and ended up running into the guys from work at lunchtime that had told us about this resort. An adorable Irish boy about my age gave me a swig of this hilarious hip-flask with amaretto in it. My friend taking the picture took awhile to get the focus right so I was taking sip after sip thinking, I should fake these last ones, or I am going to be 'snockered' before I go hit the slopes again! How great is this? (for U my brudder). After lunch we made it to the Craplift. I did not stutter, I said Craplift. The second peak we went to was called Crap Suon Gion and it had a t-bar lift called the Craplift. Couldn't leave without doing that one, now could we? After the morning that we all had, we were leery about the rest of the day, but the visibility improved and we went down some of the best runs I have ever been on. Soft, almost mogul-ly snow, just gorgeous runs. Not crowded, quited, peaceful. NOT Crappy at atll. The lifts were serene and so spiritual. I just felt so... HUGGED. It was nice indeed. After the boot fiasco last time, I got a better size, so my feet didn't hurt quite as bad and I got to finish the day strong. I got separated from the group in a miscommunication, so I ended up doing the last long red (blue) run alone. It was the most challenging one for me, and it was a little icy in places and had been carved into some pretty good moguls. So yeah, I can do moguls now. I'm pretty proud of myself. In fact, I feel that after this trip I can do anything now. (I say hesitantly). But I think I have enough experience that I could get myself out of any trouble that I could get in.

I could have just taken the lift the rest of the way home, because I was cold and was starting to lose my legs, but then I just said, "Lindsey you are in the freaking Alps, you are going to DO THIS." And I did. I wiped out a couple of times, and I heard people laughing at me from the lift above, but I did not care. I was a gold medalist in my head. Shooshing. Afterwards it was a crazy round-up game, trying to collect all of the sweaty, soaking skiers and their various pieces of equipment and their stories and funneling them all to the bar for story time. Oh and how fun, to randomly run into the Irishman and his posse and to drink a few! Laughing, drying out, getting warm and just basking in the glow of ale and a day well spent. Above: John, Marc and Grace. Below: Kyle (CRB), Mary-Beth (Other Firm, but from Philly), Alistair (Irish Hipflask guy) and Wilhelm. Below that, Chris and Jill trying to be the same height for the picture. All of us "good tired" we boarded the bus back to the train station where the ride home was even more mirthful with stories of the day and translating jokes into German. My favorite quote of the ride home was when Heather pulled out a pack of "Wet Ones" for wiping off her hands and Marc (who is German) reads "Kills 99.99% of Germans. Let's try it. I bet I am in the 0.01% of Germans who survive." Thus will begin chapter 2 of the CRB quote/story log.

Above: Marc and I. Below: Chris and Tami, then Chris and Heather. In the grand plan of my life, I don't know why God has me here right now. I don't know at all. I, however, will choose to trust that these experiences, this time, is for my good. For His good, and that is giving me peace.

Signing off 'til next weekend..(when I think we are heading off to the mountains AGAIN for more ski-fun).

Yes... for my good, indeed....

I've been asked to write, and write I shall.

If you don't already know. I will be in Basel, Switzerland for the next 6 months. Six months at least..(as I heard today). The project I am working on then moves to Singapore where it will be built. I am not sure I will go there, but there is a chance I might. I think I'd like to go once or twice and only once or twice, if I could. I hear it's a fabulous place and I've never been anywhere but Europe and Mexico. A new culture, especially one as melded and fused and modern as Singapore's is tempting to me.

I spent my break at Christmas at home with family and family-like friends (watching Arrested Development, Playing Guitar Hero, going to WU basketball games, waiting in line at the Cheesecake Factory). My brother lives in my house now, so any of you planning to rob me while I am away will now have to deal with that gun show. I like having him in my house. He is a happy guy and makes me laugh. He is a peach for helping out by staying there and taking care of things while I am gone.

I also spent my time working from home and catching up with things. Basement things, dentist things, prescription things, haircut things, laundry/dry cleaning things, life things. If I did NOT get to see you or catch up with you when I was home... by all means, send me an email while I am out here. It's very strange being away from your life like I will be over the coming months and familiar people dropping a line, or even just a facebook or blog comment are very succulent little morsels of joy for me. Only know that my time except for typical weekends, is really booked solid, I can't email at work, cant usually email on workdays due to the packed schedule we keep and just know that if I haven't responded to notes you have sent that I am dizzyingly greatful for getting them and love you for sending them. It means so much.

I arrived uneventfully in London last week and ran into the English contingent of folks who work for the new Engineering Firm we are dealing with and they are 'lovely' not 'wankers' at all. Except they woke up minutes earlier and I woke up an ocean earlier, so I was less than cordial and less than showered. So with a slight nod to the project manager, and a switch of the ipod, I was fast asleep for the whole flight, mouth gaping open. As usual. Slept pretty much the whole way to Basel like this, interupted only by the jolly stewardess asking me in her almost Cockney accent, 'Dear, would you like a bacon and mushroom biscuit? Or a Vegetarian?" In my semi-awake state, I didn't know how to explain why I replied with an emphatic "NO" to the Vegetarian version of what was just set down in front of me...when I meant to really say "NO" to any sort of snack at all. This thing was hideous. A cold roll with unidentified green flecks in it, slathered in something dressing-like topped with a few mushrooms hidden under a blanket of a few pieces of cold, strange-looking bacon. I couldn't even open it, I didn't want the smell to be as awful as the visual presentation. I didn't however want to seem ungrateful and give it back unopened... so I asked the gentleman next to me if he would like mine as well, since he POUNDED his with ease. He declined. So I had no choice to give it back unopened, thankfully to the other steward and not the jolly other one.

The arrival in Basel was a little sad, given the last time I was here everything was a warm, sparkling, twinkling, gorgeous, winter wonderland decorated up in neat Swiss fashion for Christmas. Now, by comparison, everything was drab and grey. Since I didn't post these yet, here are some belated pics of said loveliness.Nevertheless, the dreariness of Basel constrasts with the warmth and energy of the team I am working with now. We have, as a multi-national team (17 nationalities to be exact) moved into "our" space now. The project moved last trip to a new office building that is on the seventh floor and overlooks the Rhine. Of course in true Euro fashion the entire floor has windows all around and you can see the sun come up and go down which absolutely helps a person deal with the 7 to 7 day which is becoming more typical as the project goes on. It is in a train yard, as opposed to a park like the old one, but it's brand new and we dont sit in our comfort zones, we sit intermingled with the others grouped by dicipline areas, which has been a total change in the general workings of the team. The team is gelling with both the client and with the new firm and our CRB team is complete. Only a couple more new faces to welcome and get to know next week and then we will be living, breathing, eating, skiing, biting heads off, and accomplishing things together over the next few months. This is the 'fun part'.

Drywall is up!

More on Cows.

My favorite German co-worker, usually impeccably organized and running with direction to some destination, is seen wandering back and forth around my desk muttering about 'COWS'. 

Under his breath looking searching a tad aimlessly.. "Cows... Cows"  I give him a funny look and he repeats "COWS!" "COWS!".  I am still blank. 

"Where do you see Cows Marc?"  He says "Everywhere".

I say "COWS???" He says... no "COWS".  I am so confused.  He finally says "What? You don't have this in English?  You know when things are Cow-otic?" 

Oh.

"CHAOS"

Der Blind Cow

Had a pretty crazy experience last week eating at a restaurant run by visually impaired people called "The Blind Cow". They walk you into this room and serve you a meal COMPLETELY in the dark. We are talking no phones, pagers, watches that light up anything that will cast light inside. (Yeah like that one CSI episode). You check out the menu OR choose to be "surprised". You walk inside (12 of us went!) as a long train of people, hands on shoulders, and are seated. It was such a bizarre feeling, groping around for simple things like the remnant of your bottle of coke without knocking anything over.

But by far the most FASCINATING part of the night was after the plates were cleared. We noticed that for the first time all night we could see something. "No you can't". "YES I CAN!" We noticed a faint but very real phosphorescent glow on the place mats. If you picked it up and blew on it, the heat from your breath would make it glow yellow, like mashed lighting bugs. We started hypothesizing about what this could be. It's just like the sea creatures at the very bottom of the ocean who 'see' by the phosphorescent algae or whatever. We finally deduced that it was likely a detergent that these were washed in that contained phosphates. We asked the waiter when he returned and he confirmed this reality and said it was a big problem that they hadn't solved yet, not something they did on purpose. It made us all wonder how much other stuff we wash glows but we never know it because we aren't in a pitch black room long enough. AMAZING!

It was a very very fun and interesting night.

Overheard:

Ken: "Jack?! You stole my beer!"

Jack: "Yeah, I did."

"It's a good place to take a blind date"

"I bet they didn't spend much on interior decorators"

"I wonder if my pupils are still huge, or if they have just given up".

"Normally when I eat with my eyes close, I miss my mouth, but here I seem to have had no problem hitting it."

"Process High Five!" (Process High Fives are "whiff's for those of you not familiar. They are easy to execute in dark restaurants).

"I use my finger as a level indicator" I say when pouring my self a drink.

"I just use my load cells" Tami says, (in the engineering world, load cells are weighing devices, in this case her arm and brain.)

"It doesn't really matter who we sit by, you can't see anything…"

"Yeah, but our sense of smell still works…"

"The waiter just accidentally felt me up"

"I can't believe she said 'accidentally'" Says Ken.

Ok..I'll try some words.

This was the top of my first run of the day from they very top of Mt. Titlis in Engleberg, Switzerland. I had taken lessons in CO the week before so I was a little more ready for these steeper slopes, but nothing could have prepared me for the views. Just amazing.

We went to Engleberg because it was rumored to be a place with snow this time of year. It was more likely to because of the massive glacier on top of it. I had never seen a glacier, but it made me wide-eyed with wonder, with it's turquoise blue rockiness, and very few things do that to me at 28. So that was nice. There was this hollowed out cave of glacier that we could wander around in. We all tromped around like teenagers inside it taking photo ops. So the eerie glowy pics that you can't see, that is what that its.

This was just a photo op inside the glacier cave. (That is Tami the spunky, from Kansas City and me, with a giant tuft of oregano stuck in my teeth) But I wish that i had taken more pics of this Rotair thing that it's advertising. It's the only 360 degree gondola, that means it's one giant contained lift that is round and has windows on all sides and it spins around so you can see all around you. We got up to the very top early enough to ski several runs in the crisp, clear air before lunch. After lunch the clouds had rolled in and you couldn't really see anything, and taking the Rotair down to some more challenging slopes was eerie to see the suspension lines disappear into the milky white fluff.

This was the run the "expert" took. Those tiny dots to the left.. skiiers. And they came from the top!

And this was the "expert". My long time friend and co-worker from Kansas City, Dave. He is just a pile of Great. You gotta love Dave. He's the quintessential, "What? There are beginning skiiers with us? Ah they'll be fine" sorta guy. "Oh that's not steep". He has skiied somewhere every year but three for the last 40 years.
This was me pre-pain. You can see the brightness of the mountains just blocks me out, as it should. This little darling pizzeria we ate in was at the top of the mountain, the view all around was well... you can see it. It was crazy beautiful. We all just kept looking at each other just going "We are SKIING in the ALPS!"

Right after lunch I put my boots back on.

That was the turning point in my day. I had been very confident and taking some risks and using my edges more and going faster that morning, but then my toes started to go numb and I started to have all sorts of pain/numbness in my feet. It's a fine adjustment, too loose and you can't ski, too tight and you don't care to ski. I didn't trust my own appendages or my skis at that point and the cloud cover had made the terrain hard to see. The catwalks were not made for beginning skiiers. They sometimes just dropped off to sheer cliffs without warning, or maybe a little orange string of warning. You know, maybe an orange toothpick with a little paper flag on it, as if it were a giant club sandwich. All of this and the psychology of fear meshed to make me a perfect pile of chicken in the afternoon.

So I branched off from my more advanced trio and searched for more sure footed terrain, only I didn't find any. I found myself stuck, throbbing, and contemplating how I would have to explain getting taken down the mountain in a body bag. But I did it. I kicked the mountains ass, then I cried and winced and did lamaze type breathing for an hour while my buddies got another run in.

Turns out I got my boots too small (duh). And with my monkey toes I was literally sking on some knuckles. There is another trip planned for January though and I can wait for it. Can not wait. Will get better equipment.

So after collecting the other two co workers who were struggling pretty hard on their own search for a "bunny hill" we got back on the train for home. By the time we arrived in Lucern, my foot was so swollen I coudln't walk on it. I almost let them get dinner and I almost just got back on the train, but you are only in Switzerland once, and I'm Lindsey freakin Merrill. So I'm limping to dinner.

I was so glad that I did. Even though I had seen Lucern before, I hadn't seen it lit up for Christmas, and there was a parade. Complete with people in 70's gear playing with things on fire and a Camel.

Then we ducked into a quaint little restaurant for FONDUE, finally. Cheese, Chocolate and Broth (where you cook the thin slices of meat in the kettle until they are done). Lovely.

We kept saying to each other "When do you SKI the ALPS, See a Parade in Lucern, with a LIVE CAMEL, and have Swiss Fondue in the SAME DAY??

When indeed.