Basel with Parents.

Also..

Worth noting:

I got beat in scrabble two out of three rounds. By a guy who's first language isn't even English.

Bah.

Scared Straight?

Tonight I was scared. I stayed really late at the office so I could get some work done and hopefully take the time off at the end of the week with my folks. I was the last one in the building and I was trying to map out a path to ride my bike on foot, which is sort of a dumb idea when you don't really know where you are going and when you didn't actually ride the bike that day.

I walked along the Rhine intending to find the way to catch the bridge and walk across it. I started on a wide well lit industrial street, perfect for bikes, not much traffic, but it soon got creepy. The road dead ended into a fence after some railroad tracks no way to tell if that was open normally or not... so I kept going closer to the river. I was funneled narrower and narrower into a walkway. I got darker and was misting. Then the concrete ledge narrowed even further, only the cold slippery river on my right and a brick retaining wall for some train tracks on my left. I then came upon A large piece of metal something was blocking the path so I skinnied up to pass it and the walk got even narrower and my footing more unsure, then my concrete dock turned to a metal see-thru grating. I was a little freaked out and it was starting to rain. The boats tied up along the Rhine, were dark and I hoped vacant. Sailor Magoo, the toothless wonder, could have been counting his loot down below and come up for a wad of tobacco in his corn cob pipe at any moment, but Magoo stayed below deck. I pressed on thinking I would clearly not use this as a bike path as I had originally intended but I perhaps at least could get back to civilization where things became normal again and things that go bump under the bridge near the graffiti didn't stike terror into my heart and perhaps the bats and moths would turn back into birds and bee once more. I am having a dialog with my idiot self right now.. WHAT are you DOING? You don't know your way at all. At least take someone with you next time so you don't drown, get kidnapped, smacked in the face with a bat, or worse, drop your computer in the Rhine. I pressed on, however, sure that I could find away out on the other side of the bridge that was more well lit. I get to it however and find the green metal door locked. Through the grate I can see freedom, lush and green with a few normal looking people strolling by and there is a tram stop nearby, but I cannot get there. The grating is high and not wide enough for footholds. The edges are wrapped with barbed wire... foiling my original plan of swinging myself around over the open water to the concrete slab on the other side of the gate. You bet I would have climbed it straight over had I figured out a way to get out easy, but no, in order to free myself I had to walk back thru the mess I had created and double not only back to the main road, but back to the starting point.

All the way back to the beginning.

After that, I also still had to go the normal way home, which is another 10 minute rain-walk and I missed the tram that would normally have been waiting for me. That late in the evening they are much farther apart and I would have had to wait for awhile after passing this man who, I swear, was wearing a Grim Reaper hood (i'm not even joking.. had there been no one else around seeing it too I would have ran screaming toward him or maybe attempted to whack him with my bag or beat him with my shoe.. or maybe I would have just started crying realizing that after all this, I am still going to Hell.) "Excuse me...Death? Yes, hello, I have this itch.. right there.. if only you had a... yeah a sickle...thanks you're a peach." "But of course... and now right this way.."

After seeing that weirdness I kept walking down the street as far away as I could get from that and I caught a glimspe of myself. What am I doing? I look like wet dog, I am hungry and tired and have walked and waited for about an hour and a half at this point. Gotten nowhere almost slipped into a river where no one would miss me for days, given it's a holiday week. Magoo may have used me as bait or worse.

I can't help but think God was talking to me. I don't get to crank myself in to an alley and climb out... I have to turn and face it and step back thru it and start over. I might miss what I had waiting on me in the meantime had I taken the right turns. But I'll never know.

Anyone been there?

Crazy or not?

This week in Basel

Spring is here. It does make me happy. It does make me prance a little bit hopping down stairs. I hope this lovely weather holds on this week as my PARENTS are coming over on Monday! Hooray!! Had one of the best meals yet in Basel last week. Rick and Ashley hosted potluck enchilada night and it was delicious. We had chicken and cheese enchiladas, salad, tacos, spanish rice, Jeff made puff pastries (yes it's true)... and Jack made "Swiss Margharitas" consisting of Crystal Light mix, Limes and Tequila, mixed in a coffee pot, not bad. Tami (above) had three before dinner, (she's the best) I had diet coke :) Great times had by all. Note the sombrero on the bottle. Shannon was the lucky recipient.

Marc took me to buy a bike at a sale in a little villiage in Gemany outside Basel. That is right folks, I got on a bike after about 18 or so years of not being on one. Let me tell you my rump is SORE. I guess we rode about 15 miles today total. We went to the sale early in the morning and the weather was GLORIOUS. Perfect day.This is it folks! The new bike. Got it for 30 Euros and it's got a light on the front and back (almost) and comes with it's own air pump. Not bad. Made in West Germany, that tells you about how old it is. It's got "character" I'll ride it to work hopefully.
Had some very good 'italian' ice cream. This dish was called "Spaghetti Ice". I had the "Pizza Ice".

We then rode up to this castle that was just charming and had a great view of the valley and then we sat in a bier garten and had some pretzels and tea and just chatted about the deep stuff in life. Great day. I dont have any pictures of the ride home, it was almost too beautiful for words. I didn't have time or desire to stop riding and yank out the camera. It rode through some vineyards, the sky was brilliant sapphire blue, the sun was warm, breeze cool, the roads vacant except for a few other riders. Little orchards, apples, plums, pears, and of course grapes. Windy villiage roads. I was Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan sun or something. (I mean...I'm usually in an episode of The Office, so don't worry).

Drove by a flower patch were you can just go and pick flowers and then pay for them by the stem on your way out. Very Laura Ingalls Wilder. I got these red-beauties for 2.5 Fr.

Last Week

Some pics from my week home... Yay LIZ good pic of us! And this is Jim and Courtney and the Koziateks and Willie!'s. (Hmm guess I need to fix the red-eye...)

Hmmm.. guess I need to fix the green-tongue!!

Not Swinglish...Singlish

So we took the Singaporean drafting team out to dinner tonight because they go home tomorrow to Singapore never to return! We should have done this earlier because they were JUST PRECIOUS!!! Oh man. So the five of them sitting at our table are starting from me.. Indian, Phillipino, Chinese, Indonesian and Javanese? When asked what language they speak to each other.. they reply "Singlish". Which can have words from a handful of different languages and then they just end english words in "La" So i try one.. "Coca Cola" This gets a laugh but really more like "Hello-la" or "Yah-la". "No-la." If you are more Chinese decent you say "meh" Or something. "No-meh".

I tried to explain "Y'all" but that didn't seem to translate well.

I couldn't stop laughing they were so cute. Two saw snow for the first time here, one learned to cook here ("cuz the food is horrible") and one guy makes these faces like you wouldn't believe. Ugh. Just adorable. Bye Jitendra! Safe travels, nice working with you, even though I literally could fit you in my carry on luggage, you are a man among men my friend!

I've been tagged.

Ok, Deb, so you tagged me... seven things you don't know.

it's probably a bigger challenge to find something out about me that i haven't broadcast to everyone already.

 

1. I hate pickles with the fire of a thousand suns.

2. I am an introvert. (No really... hey guys cmon..I swear).

3. I've been thrown out of the same Irish bar, twice.  (not my fault)

4. I think I am part smarmy lounge singer.  I sing in the shower.

5. I once had a debilitating fear of the riding lawn mower (or rather the thrashing chopping noise it made).  

6. My uncle can ski barefooted. (he doesn't have the Merrill large foot curse either, he's painfully normal sized...)

7. My brother is my favorite person, next to Joaquin Phoenix who I haven't met.

Five Minute Blog

Hey all.  I came home, I left again.  Hopefully there is some light at the end of this work tunnel.  Weather in St. Louis was delicious.  My front yard showed off and welcomed me home by being in full bloom.  My parents finished the basement and my bro caused an earthquake.  Jim Roach turned 30 and it was great to see him and to find out that my blog is apparantly famous among his peeps.  Went to small group.  Life giving!  Dusty and I worked out, I got a kettle bell.  I have a laundry room that functions now, it's schweeeeet.  I got to go to church twice and a Cardinals game (at least til the 8th inning after the budweiser song... ya da ta dadda ya da ta da.. bum bum bum..)  I'm in London and I have five minutes left on my timer.  On the plane I didn't even watch a single movie.  Just slept. I have an ingrown toenail and little kids I was sitting next to in the bulkhead kept stepping on it.  I put some stuff on the altar at church and we will see what God does with it.  What is easier to say?  "Your sins are forgiven" or "Pick up your mat and walk"?   I want to walk, but God wants more for me.  Watched some Arrested Development. Made some chocolate chip cookies and I daresay I've lost my touch.  Big time.  Cant get them to behave anymore.  Volleyball.  WOO HOO.  Some new clothes, new haircut, new hope.  Great line from the Prince of Eqypt movie I caught a few minutes of with the Demurlizer.  "Hope is frail but its hard to kill".

 

Liz killed me at fooseball.  I wasn't hard to kill.

 

 

 

Some Encouragement

To my hurting friends.  All of you.

 

To the women.

The girls who have been waiting, wanting, serving, and mourning.

To you who wonder "will it ever be my turn?"

 

To you who have been called and who have moved from your stationary position into the scary and tantalizing heart of God, alone.

To you to went and stayed after the novelty wore off, to you to are faithful and funny and smart and freaking beautiful and creative and stronger than you think.

To you who have been stolen from, lied to and made to think YOU are the crazy one.

Did you ever think he didn't call because it's better if he doesn't?

They take your stuff, they take your peace, they take your bodies... they just take.

Take heart, God has chosen you, he chose to make you because he wanted a YOU in this world.

Take heart because we are not here for very long and some of it IS ridiculously beautiful.

Take heart because prayers move the heavens and suffering is sometimes the most merciful and beautiful gift God gives.

Which sucks. I wish the tags on the gift of suffering were left on so it could be returned. It's not something I would pick out for myself.

I hate how it looks on me.

Take heart because you are amazing and I'm not sure why you don't see and I'm not sure why they don't see. I'm not sure why I don't see.

 

 

 

 

To the men.

To you who work and engage and love.

 

To you who raise families. To you who sacrifice.

To you who serve and give and teach. To you who are here and haven't checked out.

To you who have been exposed as weak.

To you who are still idiots, even though you are God's idiots.

You are warriors.

You need to act like them, but I need to forgive you for not being them.

I need to pray that you will rise up and lead because we need you to. We want you to.

I pray that other men will lead you, and teach you to lead, because you have been left sooo many times.

I pray the distance stops with you.

I pray this because she needs you, the little ones need you, we need you. It's a selfish prayer in some ways.

We failed you, controlled you, nagged you, seduced you, and taken the wind out of your sails, taken jobs, taken your roles, and accepted your duties, and responded to your callings.

We have stopped inviting you in, and definitely stopped trusting you.

We questioned when we should have trusted, we have kept silent when we should challenge, and we spurn your movements toward us because we are sin sick too.

Take heart, God has chosen you, he chose to make you because he purposed a YOU in this world.
Take heart, because you are not here for very long and some of the victories are better than Guitar Hero scores.
Take heart, because prayers move the heavens and the exposure of your weaknesses prove God strong. 

Take heart because he's wild and crazy even in his simplicity of his commands.

 

To God, the lifter of our heads.

Munster Windows

Happy Easter.

It was quiet here.

It snowed, and was still.

YEAH MAN-BEARS!!!!

Congratulations to the WU bears on their FIRST ever national championship!!

I am sort of in love with Troy Ruths. He also owns 2 companies and has a 4.0 GPA.

Don't tell him though...

Or..heck yeah tell him...
:)

Now there are four womens banners and a dude-banner for Washington University Basketball!
(And eleven Volleyball banners... yeah eleven...)

Joyousness

All kinds of happy is happening.

Congratulations to Katie and "Patick" Murphy on their new little huge-headed boy Finnegan Henry! Cant wait for this kid to grow up.

And Deb and Josh keep posting good news about doctors and divine appointments reminding me that God is in the details. Engineers always say that the Devil is in the Details, and yesterday, some sales-guy said "The Devil is a squirrel". No one was quite sure what that meant. Anyway, yay for Josh and Deb! Keep them in your prayers.

JD and Linz are due soon and I can't wait for their race of superhumans to commence. Love You guys! I'm sure her little head is going to be huge too. Linz.. look out!!

Hooray that "Lil' miss awesome" (like the shirts) is coming to visit for a week! I'm delirious with happy to have a visitor. Hooray that I have a week off from the job and get to toddle around Switzerland with my girl crush.

Hooray that Deana has google chat and now we "Talk, you know... 'toalk'.. dogs... daughters... you know, no big whoop"

Hooray for Debbie Holley, what a gem!

Hooray that my parents are also coming over later in April!

Hooray that I ate the BEST raspberry desert last night I've EVER tasted. Like WOW. Hot melty berries swimming in a little vanilla-creme jacuzzi. Oh delights!

Hooray thay my new roomies are frikkin' awesome. My one roomate played the viola in college and does it like REALLY well, she also kills monkeys. (The kinds on your back, not like the real banana-eating kind.) My other one I have known for years from a safe distance, but that gap is closing. Hooray for meeting new people and deepening with old people, and finding a church small group over here has made this feel (dare I say) like home.

Hooray for sun, for cherry blossoms and flowers and longer days and gorgeous sunsets over the Rhein every night. And you would not believe how many times a week God kisses me and just paints a shimmery rainbow across the sky. As if he's trying to tell me something and give me flowers all at the same time.

Hooray for having good times, but being aware that I slip into the bad times just as fast, and knowing that God is equally pleased with me during both because of that Jesus guy.

Everyone needs to read Gospel U like thirteen times. With a highlighter and a magnifying glass. Everyone needs to not have a haircut for three months...Ew.

Hooray for Jim Roach... you sly dog. You owe me an email.

Hooray for getting sick while skiing, having to come home early on the train by yourself, but getting some of the best reading (and sleeping) in that finally turned some God-switch on about how it's possible to life your life and not feel terrified that you are doing it wrong all the time. Yeah double hooray for that.

Hooray that I am, on my own, pretty much a crappy person, morally bankrupt, spiritually dead, mean to people sometimes and incapable of anything good.. Hooray I say because GOD is the sole source of all my 'Hooray's because he picks up people-carcass and breathes life into it like it's His job and makes the Dry Bones dance to "Shackles" by Mary Mary in the kitchen floor of a Swiss efficiency apartment.

Hooray that I am up and going to CHURCH right now. Finally.

And hooray for clean laundry and Marple. The long lost Roomit.

Prince William...where are you???

Welcome to Davos-Klosters. Best ski day of my entire short ski-life. This is apparantly where the royal family goes skiing, and I can not say that I blame them. WONDERFUL slopes, beautiful snow, the haze burned off in the afternoon and it turned just gorgeous outside. Perfect fresh powder, not crowded, because the day started off snowy and most lifts were closed so not many people stayed. It was perfection. I didn't fall once. That was good too. Rental boots were so good, that I bought them! Yeah! Finally I have my own ski boots. First time I didn't want to amputate both of my legs after a day on the slopes. The secret is to pop two advil before and then life is good.

Waiting...for like, an hour for Ashley to travel 15 feet to be in the picture.

Finally Ashley gets there.

Shannon, Ashley in her crazy yellow pants, Me Tami, Alistair (consequently NOT Irish after all...just a randy Englishman and contrary to popular belief, NOT Prince William), and Jill (post face-plant).

And my bed, in the new apartment. (where i now have wireless). Where I finally crashed a good crash, after a wonderful perfect day. A hook-blade day.

Uh....

Maybe the funniest thing I have ever seen happened today.  Well.. maybe I exaggerate, but I'll let you judge.  I was transporting some friends bags from storage at our old hotel to our new apartment near the trainstation and a friend was helping me.  Thank God.  We walked across the train station platform to see a woman Chris and I called a "missourian" only because she didn't look Swiss.  Black greasy hair, sweat pants, sweatshirt, and she was spilling out of a convenience grocery store, yelling in German, and very angry.  In fact it seemed to me that she just had gotten thrown out of the store and was attempting to hit the security guard who was throwing her out.  She was NOT happy.  I believe she had punched him just before she was tossed out.  She was just going on and on.  She would break and start walking away and then remember that she was indeed still pissed and then she would run back at the security guard.  Younger bystander crowd was all sort of trying not to look like they were associated with her, although they probably were.  She wasn't crying or drunk, I didn't think.  We kept walking incredulously and just sorta muttered to ourselves about the scene. 

 

She was making such a scene,in fact that it wasn't until after I passed that I noticed she had a unicycle!  

 

I noticed it then, because she threw it.

 

Ok.. not at me...but it my general direction.

Ok I was really far away at this point, but still...she definitley was throwing it. 

 

After that, we finished our walk, leaving the whirling dervish behind and I could NOT stop laughing.  I got in one of my silent laughing fits. 

 

Gosh I'm laughing now, as I write this.. so funny.

Prayer for Noah

Please pray for these lovely people and their precious little boy who was recently diagnosed with a degenerative brain disorder.

http://thelauers03.blogspot.com/

Mechanical Completion

Asthetic completion to follow!

Tile a little darker in the light than I suspected, but otherwise, I LOVE it!!

Shout out to my Girls

Check it. Tasha and Al made the All-Decade team. First time I've ever seen Alia on any type of "second team" but regardless.

Curiously missing from the Press Release is the phrase. "Lindsey Merrill made them what they were by allowing them to beat the shit out of her in practice everyday".

Wonder how they left that out?

A Severe Mercy

(I am crrrushing the Alps now)

I just finished this book. It was a bit of an awkward read considering I got to the death part on a very public train in the Alps. No hiding any tears for me. But this book is a really good thing. It is no secret that I am not doing well these days. The break up still isn't easy for me. It's not easy being away from home and it's definitely not easy being single and 28 and 6'2" and other ever growing numbers as well...In a foreign country. No matter how you slice it. Yes, I get to do awesome things, sure I get to be with awesome people, and see awesome sights. But I know that life is made up of more than that. It has taken me awhile to put these words on paper because I am so embarrassed to keep thinking them, let alone say them. It's where I am. I can't help it. I am a mess. A river of red-hot emotion runs beneath my work and surfacy-conversational exterior. Dear, sweet, Heather poked at it last week and got that river spilled on her in a prayer session in my room.

So with that said let me tell you the hope I have. I have hope that God can indeed be trusted. I have really no reason to not think so. Sheldon VanAuken, lost his dearest love in this book and after his horrible loss, and grief, he still trusts that the events that took place were for his good. Amazing. She died surrounded by friends, loved ones, and rather gently went to the Father. He figures, for many reasons that it wouldn't make sense to explain here, that God has done the most loving act, the most Severe Mercy by writing their story this way. That is a trust I do not at this moment have. But I hope I can have it. It seems solid and true, and real and completely independent of human perspectives on what ought to be, of their thoughts, feelings and wants.

I have spent the better part of a couple of years wondering if God is really moving toward me with love and not anger. If he really can look at me and my life and not be dissappointed in my many shortcomings. I hope that Grace, is indeed, all that it is cracked up to be. It's free. I'll say it again. It's free. It is not cheap... but it is Free. The hope I have is that God doesn't need me. He doesn't need my works, my deeds, my anything. He only needs me to be with him. Which I just have an awful time doing. Nothing is free. No one just enjoys people for no reason. Humans are conditional beings. "I will love you if 'dot dot dot'" God isn't. Can that POSSIBLY be the case? That love from this well is free and flows constantly? The light that shines is always on you even if your eyes are closed? The music is always playing even if you have your fingers jammed into your ears; LA LA LA, I wont hear you." I wont see you, I don't forgive myself. You have no business forgiving me, I don't even forgive me.

"My dearest, your ways are not my ways."

"But, But, But..."

"Sorry, I love you. Yes you are a mess, but I will carry you. It's kinda what I do. ?"

"Really?"

"C'mon remember the poem? The one in the sand?"

"Ja-Ja?"

"Ja-Ja.

The first thing God did IMMEDIATELY after Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, was become their tailor. He made them garments to cover the shame they shouldn't have known. Covered the shame that was THEIR fault! He cared for them because he IS just that way. He is gracious. He is made of jealous love for us. For me.

And he will use severe measures to make my eyes open. He will deal me hands that no one else gets dealt, because he knows what I need. He will not give me the drug I want to numb myself. He will not. He will not grant the fake idol that only seeks to destroy me. I am not sure I want the path He will make for me, it's certain to suck in a very real way, but the alternative would be unthinkable (and impossible, I think, given that I am under his care and not walking on my own two giant feet).

Speaking of which, on a lighter note, from the "Lindsey-you-are-and-always-will-be-a-giant-freak-file," we went ice-skating this past weekend, and upon getting up to the rental counter the woman didn't speak much English, and I didn't know my shoe size in the European world. So I guessed at some numbers I thought would correspond to my ski-boot size in cm, and they looked WAY too small. So I guessed at another, and it looked small too. Someone finally suggested I look at the tongue of my sneaker to see if it had a key and it did. I hiked my foot onto the counter and showed the lady the number and she went "Wooo" and went the opposite direction in search of giantic skates. My co-workers were all ROLLING. Mondo hockey skates were plopped up on the counter; skates that, since they had no toe-pick, caused me later to fall FLAT on my stomach by way of my knee-cap when trying to do a spin. So I fashioned knee pads out of a friends pair of ski-gloves. See below.

Went to Zermatt. Where the Matterhorn is. It's amazing. Switzerland is amazing. Seeing folks see mountains like this for the first time is amazing.

God who made them and who is writing my story is also, must be, amazing. So that is also hope that I have.

Work, is the least of my worries, it's going well. People are happy. I was told "we need three Lindsey's". That is nice to hear. Now that my personal life is in shambles, it's nice to keep the work end up with some sort of even-ness that I didn't used to possess.

I was also told "Lindsey, you should just fashion a guy out of three Singaporeans stacked on top of each other... then when you get sick of the top one, just swap him out." That is always nice to hear also.

Love you all. I'm coming home.