I am a basket case right now. After a hard four days of meetings in which I do no actual production, I had a day an a half to myself to really get down to brass tacks and get something accomplished. I thought I did a pretty bang up job, myself, but I can't seem to get over this hump.
So does this hump ever go away? It seems like I forgot how to operate lately. I am so scared of everything. Let's drill this down. The times that I react the most and have the most anxiety are when some one seems to question my intelligence. Even when they have a right to. I don't get it. I just spaz out when some one tries to correct me. I feel so very justified in my right to be respected I completely lose it. I cannot figure this out. Scott says that the place where we react the strongest is where our idols live. What is this idol I have? It's certainly work related and It's certainly self-directed, so I know it's not me being over passionate about the truth of God. Is it that if you strip away my brain, and my wit away (the brain and the wit, consequently, have been negated quite effectively as of late, I am working with people who are so smart that it would appear I am only here to carry their stuff around, and the language barrier makes my jokes fall on dead ears.) I find that I am just standing here naked and everyone now knows there is really nothing special there. And my whole life is an orchestration to keep people from somehow figuring that out.
What if they find out?
Or worse... what if they already know?
Why don't I know that I am special? Why do I now, at 27 years of age have this all of a sudden identity crisis?
I have often thought of myself as a candy. Not unlike one of those Queen Anne chocolate covered cherries my Grandmother loves. Hard, cold, crunchy exterior and runny, drippy, gooey messy interior. That interior is the super sensitive me. The one that you can hurt very easily if I let you past the shell. The goo feels it can do nothing perfectly enough. The outside can't really do much. It feels it can't make a difference, it can't really be a catalyst for change because what if the exterior forgets its important job of keeping the goo at bay? Maybe I'm more like that little green nuclear/bio-terror weapon in "THE ROCK"...What if it leaked out and exploded on contact with the world? The world doesn't care for my tender interior. It has long shown me that.
Why the hell am I blogging this? Probably because you can't fix a problem and have others help you fix it if you don't put it out there. And I like analogies using the word 'goo'.
I am thinking that the operation I need to have is a re-distribution surgery to even out my density. I need to be more like a pumpkin. Still sweet and tender on the inside, but with a less damageable interior structure. More consistent. And that skin.. it still takes some work to get through but it's not as hard. Not as dark, and just a jigsaw away?
Oh to be a pumpkin! To have all that stringy gross stuff scooped out of you and a placed light inside that shines through and in spite of the vessel it's in. I desire to be a Gourd.
There it is.. that mushiness again. It's not about me.
It's not about me. How do we live with an outward focus, without disrespecting and hating the vessel we occupy? How do we love ourselves and see the way God sees, yet not become vain and obsessive? How do we not hate ourselves for not knowing the answers.
Monty says: "I think you out-think yourself" Probably true...but how do you stop?
Please answer in 1 million words or less. You know.. if you have answers.
2 comments:
So...I have that feeling almost every day. I wake up and think, "I hope nobody tries to take a bite out of my sweet candy shell today." Especially because chocolate covered cherries are tricky. You either have to eat the whole thing all at once and risk going into a sugar coma or face the awkward challenge of taking a bite and immediately work with lightning speed to retrieve all of the goo before it runs all over you. And I sat on the couch a cried about it on Thursday.
And I bet you didn't know that I blog-stalk you.
-Molly (Davis) Snyder
It seems that it's a question of your primary identity. So often, we forget that our primary identity is "Child of God", and get caught up in the other things that identify us, i.e. our brains, wit, talent, beauty, gooey center, etc. When those things get stripped away, we can feel worthless because we have forgotten where our value truly lies. The truth is that we not not loved any more when we are funny or smart or nice than when we are dull or uninspired or inadequate. You are special & valuable because God declared you so, and not because the person next to you is impressed by you, and you are not one iota less valuable if they are not impressed.
Just my two cents.
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