Barriers to the Good News

You know I've been thinking about why I am not more open with my faith. Sometimes I feel like I lead two very confusing lives. One where I am but a guest here, a stranger in this world who doesn't understand hurt and pain and evil, who longs for home. A person who is sorrowful for people who are blind, whose heart breaks for people who are not aware that they are really beautiful creations.

And then I live in another world where I flip those jerks off in traffic.

It's sometimes too bad that my uglier side is just funnier.

But it worries me, because I don't want to be the flipper-off-er of people. I mean that figuratively, of course. But I want to be a person who just has love for people. Who doesn't get intimidated and feels the need to cut people down or withdraw my presence from them. I am free to love and free to screw up while doing it.

Man, lately I feel like a tangled up mass of sins and confusions, but at the same turn, I feel ok and less ashamed to be here. Because, To quote Beth Moore..."somebody say we're weird, y'all...we're just WEIRD!"

Tis true.

Show me normal. I'll show you dead.
Show me perfect. I'll show you a liar.
Show me broken. I'll show you happy to be fixed, and humble.

Very Blessed

Very Exhausted.
Very Vexed, as the shower doesn't work.
Still have paint on my feet.
Still smiling.

Captivating

 
Whoa girls. Gotta recommend this book to you. This is one of the best books I have ever read about women. It's by the chic who is married to John Eldridge the 'Sacred Romance/Journey of Desire/Wild at Heart' guy. And I gotta admit I was almost ashamed to buy it, but it is so good. I don't mind recommending it to ANYONE. That's why I'm blogging about it. It's cool, clean high-quality H20. It's a message that every woman needs to hear. I've heard it before only to forget it. I've seen women live by this and I've been captivated by them, jealous of them. It's been awhile since a book has made me cry. Please don't be scared off by the Christian bookstore heading, it will put words to that ache. You know the one, the one that says "I'm not enough" or "I'm too much." Dont speak, don't ask, don't offer, don't love.. there is only disappointment there.

I admit I get excited when I read about how much God loves me or I find out that another human loves me. I glow. I absolutely glow when I know that I'm cherished. Sure, God feels far sometimes. It's up to me, and the other people in our lives sometimes to help us see God better. This book spoke of women who are beautiful when their hearts are at rest, not when they are cloaked in fear and anxiety. Women who can't be enjoyed fully because they are constantly striving. It speaks of women at 75 who shine with peace and who in coming closer to God become more themselves, not less. More free. Less afraid.

It talks about the movies we love and the stories we love and how they resonate with us for a reason.

I've always wondered what Jesus meant about coming to give us life to the full. Wondered how we can do that living in a place where there are only rules. In a place where we constantly fall short, and are seemingly expected to live on crusts of bread, and water and suck it up and deal. Stop being a girl, cause girls are stupid.

Satan tricked Eve. I've heard mentors of mine talk about why he chose to trick Eve, I've heard because women are more easily deceived, because we are more likely to want to conrtol our own destinies, because we felt Adam wasn't doing his job, thus we were more likely to take the bait. But there is another reason. Satan tricked Eve because he hated her. He hated her because she took his job. Lucifer was the former commander of all the Angels and his job was to deliver the glory and praises to God, to display his beauty, to be his messenger. That may make no sense until you consider the nations most devoid of God, and most spiritually bonded, how they treat their women. As second class, as trash, only good for prostitution, covered from head to toe in black.

This hatred trickles down in other ways. As many attempts at religion do, we fall away from that which was intended, and Christian people everywhere try to make their women all about character and servitude. Read: Frumpy. We totally miss the Ruth's the Tamar's, the Esther's and the Rahab's. Those scandalous and holy women who had a part in the lineage of Christ, but probably wouldn't dare darken the doorways of our modern day churches. I think of the woman in scripture who was a known prostitute who worshiped Jesus by washing his feet with her perfume, and wiping it with her hair. (I haven't done that in a few weeks or so). He was pumped, the disciples were all... "Hmm.. Uh.. Jesus,... what is she doing?" (and before you send hate mail, no of course I'm not saying go be scandalous, nor are they, they are just challenging our definition of holiness).

I could continue this stream of consciousness for hours and not do it justice, so read it, read it, read it. Then let me know what you thought.

Amendment

Ok, So the closing is now the 27 tentatively. So I think we'll paint that day then move in on the 28th after anyone who wants to help gets off work.

Apologies for turning this into my personal day planner.

I guess, though, I can do with it whatever I want.

I'll make it my recipe book if I so desire.

1 Eye of newt...

By the way...anyone heard how Joaquin is doing in rehab?
Such a courageous chap.

Nevermind...

Not sure when the closing, thus the subsequent moving will take place, so you are all temporarily off the hook. Not like "off the hizzy" type off the hook, just the normal, you are no longer obligated.

But wait, I reconsider... yes... yes you are all indeed off the hizzy for shizzy.

But the Internet at home is off the hook, and I haven't been able to hook the keyboard up to my soul lately.

I know you are all hanging in the balance for the next installment of "What the Crap am I doing here?"

On a side note, I'm SUPER excited about the fundraiser my company is participating in. We have to build something out of canned food items and then it will get judged and donated to a charity. It may be my finest hour. The moment when me and 1000 cans of campbells soup make our mark on the world.

On the all-star cast is the frequently aforementioned co-worker Dave who once built a White Castle out of legos in a similar competition. Yes I mean White Castle, the home of the chicken pipes. (You know, where chicken rings come from).

Yep life is beautiful.

The best thing about the concept of blogging...

Is that I can ask for help and you can turn me down and I will never know it. Amy, Schmusty and I are moving in on June 25th at 10 am. If you want to help, we'd love to have it. No pressure, that's why I'm not sending out mass e-mail. If you can't, seriously no big deal and you can claim.. "I never read your blog" and kinda stare off into space as drool forms as the corner of your mouth.

Also I can invite you to my roomate Amy's birthday/"last-party-at-315-Charlene" this Saturday at 7 pm with no pressure to respond.

Isn't that great? Awkwardness. GONE.

That, I think is going to be my mission in life, to rid the world of awkward situations, one blog at a time.

Here it is..

For the few of you who haven't seen it already...
The House

Overheard...

....You don't have to correct it. You don't have to help them have faith. You don't have to heal them or be their Jesus. God will do all of that. All you have to do is walk the path with them and share the deepest parts of you. Yes, it makes you extremely vulnerable. Know what, though - in 50 years I can't think of a single person that I regret loving. Every single person that I've loved in my life has been WAY worth any pain they caused me, and I've had some pretty disasterous relationships....

"Who Froo Dat Ham?" Lady's Second Cousin?

Thanks Rachel for the story.

Which three of you needs a place?

The house we rent is now going to be vacant. If anyone knows of anyone who may be interested in a phat three bedroom two bath with a massive kitchen let me know. I'd love to give it to you in July, as I'm closing on my new house end of June. It's been a great place, I'd love to keep it in the family... and the landlord is tan. Spread the word.