Please Be

God, be more. Please be more than a positive perspective. 'Cause I can get that from any number of inspirational places. Be more than that. Be Yaweh. Be real even when I think I am a walking problem, and not your child, when my 'belief' in you my 'faith' in you is not enough for me. It is not enough for me to think that You are who You say You are, and can do what You say You can do, and that I am who You say I am. It's not enough for me to just say "I am rich" when I am not. "I am strong" when I am not. I want to say that and mean it. Be more than a good idea, a good ideal. A 'positive' perspective that makes ailments go away by a pseudomedication of pains and hurts. What is this abundance? How rich am I in you? What does that mean? I have seen you before, but I am like a person who forgets what his own face looks like in a mirror. Where is this peace that passes all understanding? I've had it before.

I have had more fun in the last few days than I have in awhile. I've been hanging out laughing with co-workers and bonding and just cutting up like junior high kids. I don't know why I would ever stop doing this. I have felt the promise of freedom and the face of what true sonship looks like, but I have also borne the burden of recent less than Christ-like choices, and the mourning that accompanies them. I am torn between two lives. The life of what I could be (but am not sure of) and the life that I have, the one that has ups and downs but ultimately is one of massive massive blessing and security, laughter and praise. What would make me venture out into the desert for the eternal blessings? This: Woe to he who has his comfort now. The last shall be first and the first shall be last. It's the scariest verse in the Bible, to me.

If you are a praying sort, send one up for me. I need light, I need to be spoken too. I need to give, not to need. I need to see something other than pain and suffering out there, where 80 percent live at a lesser standard than I. I've missed the beauty of the gospel, the one that attracted me at first, with it's unconventional wisdom and disdain for the safe, comfortable path. He is not safe, but He is good.

God, help my unbelief and my unwillingness to lose what I cannot keep to gain what I cannot lose.