Thursday, April 07, 2005

The bacon had to go...

For two reasons. The airfreshener that my cousin bought me as a gift, one, was a bit of an eyesore and caused an obstructed view in the ol' pontiac. Two, it really did smell like bacon. I didn't think it was going to... I'm not sure why. But yes.. bacon it twas..

I'm sitting here thinking about sleep and it's not coming to me. It's one of the elusive things that the more you want, the less you get, and if you do get all you want it fails to satisfy. I have been thinking also about lifespans lately. They are short. Very very short. I think I've always considered myself a tad immortal. But as the skin on the back of my hand wrinkles, and college becomes a more distant memory, it's something I think about. What on earth am I supposed to do. Bob spoke about the difference between wanting our kingdoms to come and God's kingdom to come. I LOVE the idea of God's kingdom. When I think long and hard about it in it's purest form I get all fired up and want to take on the world and beat it to death with my KJV . Want to crusade and preach and three snap my way into the book of life. But when I think about what I work for most often, it's my kingdom. The one with comfort and security, less community rather than more. I just kinda go limp and start drooling like Homer Simpson. (Mmmm...Bacon) The easier one. The safer one. The crispier one. The theory is, trust God, have faith, do crazy captain insano things that make sense to no one,( i.e. build an ark? march around a city seven times, blow a little diddy on a bugle?) and God gets the glory and we get all the things our hearts are made to desire from him. Sounds good in theory. But hold up. Wait a sec. I KNOW people who do not have their daily bread. I know people who are good strong Christians who are starving to death. I KNOW that bad things happen to people who love Him. Aye there's the rub. The faith in God guarantees me nothing. Paul got prison and death. Steven got stoned. (Yeah, yeah, and Sainthood...)
It's like we are all in communist Russia or something and there is one potato left and we are all kicking and biting and fighting for it. When God says "my grace is sufficient for you." "Man cannot live on bread alone" "I came so that you may have life to the full." "Let the poor say, I am rich." I think for a long time I ate this stuff up with a spoon, but I now am having a harder time swallowing it.
Maybe it's because I have so much pride it's crazy. Maybe I can't deal with the fact that God's glory really really can't be mine. That in order to gain what I cannot lose, I must lose what I cannot keep. That humbling oneself is harder than it sounds, and to do it for any consistent length of time breeds a resentment. At least in me it does. Like THIS is the Gospel... this plain boring HARD thing? You have GOT to be kidding me. No flashing lights or bells or whistles? Maybe I've called the game too early, maybe I'm just in the middle of the race and God, J, and the Ghost are up there cheering and yelling "NO don't stop, you GOT this. Don't fall into doubt, it's the OLDEST trick in the book" Paul in prison knew who he was the whole time. He knew what he was doing, and how insignificant his circumstances were incomparison to what awaited the earth in knowledge of God that it was about to receive. I think I just wish I had some more faith to keep me company on my journey. If all that scripture promises is true, there isn't much time to waste figuring me out. Too much life to be had, and to share.

The starving Russian economy analogy should not apply to me. My cup runeth over. But If I stop protecting myself, will it still?

I got a new computer tonite. Woo hoo. My concious is clear, I can now leave my work at work more often, and leave my life at home and discontinue to shamelessly violate my user agreement. Maybe that's why I was losing sleep. Maybe that's why I can't figure anything out... tsk tsk I was livin in sin. *

Ah I AM getting sleepy now... my writing... the cure for insomnia... that sounds about right.

Here's hoping.

*Please do not that that too seriously.. but we shouldn't steal things that aren't ours.

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